Grandma: is that bowl of porridge enough?
Me: yes. I wasn't even hungry to start with. I can't actually finish this bowl.
Grandma: porridge doesn't fill you up.
Me: I'm. Not. Hungry. How would eating more suddenly make me less hungry. Plus, I don't even like porridge.
Grandma: there's more porridge in the kitchen. Go eat more.
Me: what the fuck, Grandma.
Grandpa: you went to Alaska, right?
Me: what. No. What.
Grandpa: you must have! To fly back to Taiwan, you need to fly to Alaska!
Me: Grandpa, that makes no sense. Alaska is north. To get to Taiwan, you have to fly west. I didn't go to Alaska.
Grandpa: No! You have to fly north, go to Alaska, then go to Japan before you get back!
Me: Nooooo. There is no reason to fly north, then fly back south. That is just a waste of fuel.
Grandpa: but that is the route! They have to refuel in Alaska.
Me: I took a direct flight. We didn't have to refuel anywhere.
Grandpa: no, you don't get it. Even if it's direct, you have to refuel.
Me: that means it's NOT a direct flight. If you stop, it's not direct. The word Direct literally means... Direct. You don't stop.
Grandpa: did you watch the news? A few years ago, an airplane flying back from the US was shot down over Russia.
Me: that doesn't even have anything to do with what we were talking about. I didn't fly over Russia. And why would the news report something that happened a few years ago?
Grandpa: it was six years ago.
Me: why did the news report something six years ago?
Grandpa: no. The news was six years ago.
Me: *muttering to myself* I hate my life.
Grandpa: so did you go to Alaska? And also, there was a spy in the plane. That's why they shot it down.
It's like they don't even hear what I say to them. And, because my whole family on this side is deaf or something, we yell, and it's like we're all vying to see who has the best vocal chords.
There have been more than embarrassing number of conversations I had with my Grandpa, where I had absolutely NO idea what he was talking about. I just nodded and said "ah"'in the right places and in a most understanding manner possible. It was as if he was talking in a completely different language. I think one talk was about organ smuggling. And the other was about the moon landing. But really, it could be anything.
Grandma: are there clubs in university?
Me: yeah. I'm in the Taiwanese people's association. There are other clubs.
Grandma: oh. So there are clubs in the Taiwanese people's association.
Me: No... That itself is a club. There are sports clubs, and other countries usually have their own clubs too. Like... Singaporean people or Russian people associations.
Grandma: wow. So many clubs in the Taiwanese club.
Me: gah.
On Thursday, we spent the whole day (and I MEAN the whole day) watching this old Chinese music channel, in which people cannot sing and the music is terrible. The reason we were watching this is because my Grandpa says there is a song played by a saxophone, and because I'm going to learn the sax this summer, he wants me to hear it. I told him that there are lots and lots of songs played by saxophones, and it's really not necessary to wait and find this one song. He is very adamant, and insists this is the only song ever where the saxophone plays. We found the song after 7 hours of waiting. The music video consists of a guy playing the sax in front of a green screen, with really scenic, but cheesy and blurry backgrounds. He was wearing a leopard print fedora, and the song is terrible.
Grandpa meant that this is the only song to have the sax play the solo (main melody). I wanted to throw myself off our building at the 5 hour mark of watching this stupid channel, and after finally understanding my Grandfather 2 hours later, I want to find a higher building to throw myself off it.
Two more days. Eh.
No comments:
Post a Comment