Jump Off That Train

I didn't really write that much this year, which is something I'll have to work on coming on next year, but I'm trying to look at this in a positive light.
I usually write because some things are on my mind, and I need to let it go and put it down in words to relieve myself. The fact that I haven't done this that much this year shows that I didn't have much to worry about... Right?

I have been making big plans for my future. Huge plans. Ginormous, and still mutating, a plan that is out of control. I'm trying to focus on these plans to forget about the present, living life looking forward to something that may not happen. These grand plans, that won't happen unless I face what's coming up, but too unwilling and scared to. Swimming without learning to hold my breath.
So I turn a blind eye and pretend.

I pretend my life is just fine the way it is. The way it should be.
Doing fine in school. Not "outstanding". Just "fine".
Keeping a few close friends.
Making a lot of acquaintances.
Learning to love, but unsure if that's what I really need right now.
Playing my instruments so the music drowns out my thoughts.
Staying away from the balcony so I don't get second thoughts.
Hoping what is holding me down, are not my thoughts.

But it's always there. Haunting me. Plaguing my mind.
It's taunting me.
Hey, guess what,
your dog is dying.
He's dying and you can't do shit about it.
You have four days left with him. Forever.
Hey, you need to get
those letters done. Write them. Write. WRITE.
Are you backing out? Coward.
Hey, why do you play music?
You suck at pretty much all of them.
Are you trying to find something you're good at?
Because all you're doing is setting yourself up for failure.
Hey, you're a shit friend, you know that?
You can't even tell him to his face
that you don't really give a damn.
And that girl?
You don't deserve to be her friend.
She's above you.
Hey, mummy's on a rampage again,
and you say you don't care,
and you say you won't care,
but you do. 
You mind it a lot.
Why is she in your face the whole time, huh?
Because you're a disappointment to the family.
That's why.

And I'm closing my eyes and pretending.
That all these thoughts would just go away.
And that I'm waking up from the dream which is life.

And then,
I wake up, to the next day.
Are you ready?

The Right To Decide

The year is coming to a close, and it's been a long time since I wrote anything on here.
I've been fast forwarding to the future, and then zipping back to the past, and I wonder where the year went and how it will go. There were difficult times, but also happy times. Same old, same old.
It will only be sometime in the future when I reminisce back to this time, will I truly know how this year was for me. Will I smile? Will I frown at the memories? Will I just shake my head and try to forget this year ever happened?

I've learnt so much, felt feelings and emotions I never thought I would experience.
I'm scared of letting go, scared of dynamics changing between relationships, scared of the future, or rather, the uncertainty of the future.
Am I ready for this?

It'd be kinda weird living without a roommate. I enjoy my own space, but hearing experience from some friends with single rooms this year, I hear how lonely it can get in there. We were joking about how our last tie with each other is our shared phone plan. I love spending time with her, but I know the friction we went through this year, and I think this might help. It might be strange to say this, but I think the distance will help us stay close. Not as close as before, but I'll be happy anyway.

It'll be an adventure. It is worth living for. That's what I keep telling myself anyway, but I can't stop myself from worrying and being nervous about the future. I want to be in love with people, with the job, with life. I guess I'll never know. I'll just have to take it as it comes.

You Had Long Ago Disappeared

The you that I know today is not the same person that I met a year ago.

There is no way that I could expect you to stay the same, really. It would be selfish of me to do so, and it is also pretty impossible. Life shapes us continuously, and any one day can change us forever. Any one person, can change us forever.

You know, I'm really glad that I met you. Being around you has answered a lot of questions in my mind, questions that came up long ago and questions that sprouted very recently. Being friends with you has opened my eyes to a whole new level of friendship that I have never discovered before in other people. 

The friendship was one of the best that I've ever had. Thank you for that.

Honestly, I don't really know where I went wrong. It's like I woke up one morning and the friendship warped into something I didn't quite recognise anymore. There was no trigger. There was no build-up. It just happened. 

I remember we used to joke about how well I know you, and even invited other people to test that knowledge. I thought I knew you pretty well too. Right now, I realised how wrong I was, and "knowing you" was an illusion all along. I don't know you at all. Admitting to that is one of the most painful things I have ever felt. 

There is one thing I know for certain. I loved you. I won't deny that. I cared about you more than I usually bother with my other friends. I guess it was part of the excitement of making a new friend who sort of shares my background. Walking with you. Eating with you. Watching you talk about music with such a passion that I'm still in awe. Generally just being with you made me happy. I never wanted to see you upset, and obviously I never want to see any of my friends sad, but I went out of my way to try to fix it for you. I'll stay up late with you if you are stressed. I'll talk to you about any of your problems. I'll buy you food just so I can see you smile and devour the food like it's the best present anyone has ever given you. I'll do things I usually wouldn't do for other people, because I wanted to, and because I could never turn down your requests.

I essentially just made a list of "What good friends will do for each other". Because I honestly thought I was a good friend. It took a lot of self evaluation to realise that this is not the case. It wasn't as unconditional as I had imagined. When I noticed that you didn't really give a damn about what I did for you, I became angry and upset. It was silly of me. Why should I expect you to return something when you didn't ask for half the things I do for you? I thought I did my friend duties to make you happy, when in reality, I was the one benefiting from all this. I was, and still am, a horrible friend.

Over the summer, I contemplated many things, but I hoped for the best. I hoped we could return to being the close friends I remember us as at the start of our college life. It never seemed to require effort to be friends with you. Until now.

It was like living with a stranger. Sure, we had good moments, but they didn't last long. I'm always dreading the next fight, the next argument, the next fall out. I tip-toe around you but still manage to set off numerous land mines. I try to be "normal", but noticed I had to hold back and not be myself around you, something I never worried about last year. I want so badly for you to trust me, but realise that I no longer have the same trust in you. I became paranoid about all the private things that I have told you, and what you have done with all the information. Did you tell anyone? I don't know. I'm afraid to ask.

I remember that you got mad at me that one time I went out jogging at 1am. I was taken aback at how worried you were. It's probably pretty insulting to you, but I didn't think you cared. You probably think that I undervalue how you feel about me as a friend. I just don't understand how you can care about me, after all that we've been through. I apologised and promised never to do it again. I felt so loved, so unexpected that you would call me even though it wasn't that late.

Then, I go back to the one night last year I asked you to be there for me. True, it was 3/4am and not the best of times. I asked you to come back. If I received a call from a friend at that time of the day, I would go running to see what is wrong, even if I had to walk miles and miles. If you hadn't picked up the phone.. then so be it. But when you picked up, and were unwilling to literally get out of the room right next door, I was crushed. You just sounded... Annoyed at me on the phone. 

I realised how stupid I was. How fucking blind I've been. I have placed all my trust in a person who I had never trust so much before in my life. Why did I do that? Because you convinced me that I could be honest with you. You convinced me that you could be the go-to friend I can always count on. 

But you're not that person.

I don't blame you. You are still one of the best friends I've ever made, despite the short time together. I blame myself for letting my guard down. I can't expect you to be who I want you to be. I can't compare you to me because we are two different people with different attitudes.

We were both wrong. We both struggled to understand one another. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I was so sure you were one of the life-long friends my mother told me I would meet in college. Out of the crowds of people I could always spot you. 

Now I don't think I can find you ever again. 

Seals. But not really seals.

I realise it's been a long time since I wrote. It's not like I've been too busy to write either, I just wasn't bothered. But I feel like I should document my life and blog better. So here is my adventure with William a month ago:

William and I went swimming, to a sea lion's cave at La Jolla cove. It was one of the most terrifying, yet exhilarating experiences of my life. I felt so vulnerable to the waves of the sea, pushed around and dunked, but I had nothing to hold onto. William looked perfectly at ease, and I can just imagine him being very amused watching the girl next to him freak out in the water. It was surreal, as I've always been comfortable in the pool, and I suddenly felt like I forgot how to swim. The sea lions smelled horrible, or so I was told, for my nose was blocked, and thankfully, couldn't smell the stench. In the cave, the beasts lounged on jagged rocks and some loitered in the shallow water. Due to the shape of the cave, the sea was sucked in and out with a formidable force, and it knocked William and me into hard rocks. He woke a sea lion up with a splash, and it started barking and flapping its fins (hands? what are they) at William. It is amazingly, strangely beautiful inside the cave. It was unexplored land that we two just discovered, and marveled at the way the waves echoed and the barks of the seals resonated off the cave walls. After we rested, we both retreated and made our way back out the cave, but were caught in the long seaweed. They wound around my legs and arms, unwilling to let me leave the cave. To be really honest, it was scary as fuck. The sea looked black from the surface, and I couldn't even see the strands of seaweed that kept looping itself around my limbs.

William kept himself a few metres in front of me, but stayed close enough to check how I was doing. I yelled numerous death threats at him: "William, if I get eaten by a seal, I'm going to kill you.", "Oh my god, if I die, I'm going to come back for you.". He said, "You'd be eaten by a sea lion. Not a seal." Like I really gave a damn what exactly is going to eat me. I was half serious when I yelled at William and scrambled about in the water. It was truly terrifying, and I never thought I'd be this afraid to die.

We eventually made it back to shore. The crazy thing is, as soon as we hit the small strip of sand where we left our stuff, I immediately thought: "Heck, I could totally do that again." I honestly don't understand this human instinct of invincibility for something I've only (barely) accomplished once. We made it just in time to watch the neon orange sun set slowly below the surface of the sea. The sky was illuminated pink, then faded into blue, and suddenly it was night.

The Blank

There is a period after crying when everything ceases to exist and any memory remaining is either fabricated or forgotten. It is as if all the sadness and anguish drain out your consciousness, letting the subconscious take over, and a dream starts and ends before you can even begin to remember it.
The dream can last a moment and forever.

It's strange, but when you're not thinking of anything, all the senses seem to grow stronger, and you become aware of the little things around you. The ticking of the clock becomes louder. The dripping tap joins the hand of the clock, an imbalanced rhythm. The wall is a dim orange, lit up by the dying light bulb, a stuck sunset. The tears that are still left on your face, too tired to be removed, pinching your cheeks as they dry.

The only thing I can't remember are my thoughts. What was I thinking of? Was I even thinking anything? I feel like my memories are just stolen from me, scooped out, leaving little dents in my train of thought. I'm left playing fill-in-the-blanks by myself.

Sometimes, when I regain my consciousness, I become scared. It's like some godly figure just pressed the pause button on my life, and when it starts playing again, I become disorientated and realise nothing and everything just happened, but I can't remember what. Only that I was staring at a wall, which was as blank as my mind.

Happy Womb Escaping Day

Liebe Pusteblume,

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

I found the most hilarious birthday song in German. We should've sung this to Mr. Carney!

Wie schön, dass du geboren bist,

Wir hätten dich sonst sehr vermisst,

Wie schön, dass wir beisammen sind,

Wir gratulieren dir, Geburtstagskind.

I'm real rusty now, but I think  you'd be able to understand it. 

It's a bit weird not seeing you for more than a year, but talking to you still feels the same, which is the greatest comfort. I wish I could go over there and give you a big hug, but for now, that's a bit hard. 

I miss you making fun of my dick-face shirts. I don't wear them anymore, but I would buy more just so you can make fun of them.

Tank topping around. Bussing to places. Drinking coffee. I don't really remember what we were doing, just that it was after school one day. But that's okay because at least I remember that I was with you and Serena, and that you guys make me happy. Still do, even though we're all separated.

Sometimes I forget how light you are. The next time I see you, I might send you flying away with a super flying tackle hug. 

Remember you said how family is important? Well, you guys are my family, and you'll forever be part of the extreme crew. Jason and I are kinda dysfunctional and sucky parents, but you'll be there to put us right, and I'll be there to be your rock. Don't know about Jason. He's just a cranky butt. 

I wish you an amazing year, and I hope you finish off your first year of college enjoying yourself as much as possible. I give the same advice every year, but it's genuine: Stop worrying so much. Things will work out even if you don't stress your butt out about them. Plus, you have many people to talk to for help or just to let loose. Happy 19th, my dear friend.

From San Diego to New York

You know what?

I’m going to miss you. Who am I going to share hot cocoa/oatmeal/almond milk with in the middle of the night? Who will I serenade on a rooftop with cheesecake and birthday celebrations? Who is going to call me at 2am asking me to pick her up because she was scared her tipsy self wouldn’t make it back home? Who can I turn to for the best advice ever given to me in life?

One night, I walked around with music blasting in my ears, with nowhere to go. I called you, and even though you were busy and stressed, you paused and heard me out with my petty woes. You reassured me that things will work out, and I believed you.

Who can I turn to to talk about old friends and home, when now I’m left alone in a foreign land? And you know what? I’m going to miss you.

Our story is kind of unusual, even funny, if you think about it. We hardly ever hang out, occasionally bumping into each other in public places, making empty promises to meet each more often. We have catch up sessions, like highschool friends over summer break, because that’s how little we got together. But at least we did that. Thank you.

We were never that close, yet I feel a connection to you that didn’t need the strong intimacy of close friendship. It’s the strength of sharing where we grew up, and the ties we still have to our home and families on the other side of the world. We were never that close, but sometimes that was an advantage. We were fresh eyes to old problems of each other, and I can say for my part, you gave me insight to the issue that would have been invisible to those standing too close.

Today, 22/8/14, I told you a story from my childhood that made you laugh so hard you disappeared below the table. Your laugh is still ranked in my top three of most hilarious laughs. I could practically feel my ears burn as other people turned their heads to look at my friend, who was expelling high pitch squeaks and breathing harder than a 100m sprinter. Today marks the last day I will see you in a long, long time.

There are many more things I want to know about you, and I know in the future I will have many things I want to tell you. I want to hear that ridiculous laugh and voice, telling me that you are real. And you know what? I’m already missing you. I wish you all the best for your fresh new start, and to let me know if you ever need anyone to talk to. Because I sure know who I’m calling if my roommate is annoying me.

                                                                                                                                       J

p.s. I know how much you love quotes, and I don’t think I will be able to find a quote you don’t already know, so I’m going to share a little song with you:

“Just because we're growing up, it doesn't mean we've had enough

When times are hard we'll smile and say we're not afraid of anything.”
- Wild, Royal Teeth