Jump Off That Train

I didn't really write that much this year, which is something I'll have to work on coming on next year, but I'm trying to look at this in a positive light.
I usually write because some things are on my mind, and I need to let it go and put it down in words to relieve myself. The fact that I haven't done this that much this year shows that I didn't have much to worry about... Right?

I have been making big plans for my future. Huge plans. Ginormous, and still mutating, a plan that is out of control. I'm trying to focus on these plans to forget about the present, living life looking forward to something that may not happen. These grand plans, that won't happen unless I face what's coming up, but too unwilling and scared to. Swimming without learning to hold my breath.
So I turn a blind eye and pretend.

I pretend my life is just fine the way it is. The way it should be.
Doing fine in school. Not "outstanding". Just "fine".
Keeping a few close friends.
Making a lot of acquaintances.
Learning to love, but unsure if that's what I really need right now.
Playing my instruments so the music drowns out my thoughts.
Staying away from the balcony so I don't get second thoughts.
Hoping what is holding me down, are not my thoughts.

But it's always there. Haunting me. Plaguing my mind.
It's taunting me.
Hey, guess what,
your dog is dying.
He's dying and you can't do shit about it.
You have four days left with him. Forever.
Hey, you need to get
those letters done. Write them. Write. WRITE.
Are you backing out? Coward.
Hey, why do you play music?
You suck at pretty much all of them.
Are you trying to find something you're good at?
Because all you're doing is setting yourself up for failure.
Hey, you're a shit friend, you know that?
You can't even tell him to his face
that you don't really give a damn.
And that girl?
You don't deserve to be her friend.
She's above you.
Hey, mummy's on a rampage again,
and you say you don't care,
and you say you won't care,
but you do. 
You mind it a lot.
Why is she in your face the whole time, huh?
Because you're a disappointment to the family.
That's why.

And I'm closing my eyes and pretending.
That all these thoughts would just go away.
And that I'm waking up from the dream which is life.

And then,
I wake up, to the next day.
Are you ready?