Passion

Shengy?
You made me think a lot recently.
Probably more than how much I thought about my EE.

When you asked me some pretty hardcore life questions the other day, I was kinda joking around. I mean. Not many people come up to me and ask me questions like:

"Janet. What is your passion in life?"
"Do you believe you'll ever find love?"

And just today, this is what is predicted for an Aries:
"If you are single, it would be a good idea to contemplate your love interest and think about the future."

What kind of coincidence is that?
A timely one, I must say.
But it got me thinking. That's for sure.
I'll try to answer those questions seriously now.

Truth to be told, I am a blank piece of paper.
A piece of paper put through a shredder and placed in a windstorm.
I want to try everything and find a career that I really like.
I want to know. I want my own feelings to tell me where to go.
However, my feelings are not doing shit for me right now.
I was completely serious about bartending.
I don't mind living a mediocre life.

But expectations prevail. I am expected, or rather, destined to become something more than a bartender.
I don't think I should pursue it professionally. Maybe I could do it part time. Maybe.

I don't have a passion. I want to live alone. Far away from my parents. From everything.

"Do you ever think you'll find someone who can change your mind about that?"

No.
I think I'll find someone who will make me think that I have.
But love's pretty cruel you know?
I mean, I'm only 17, and I probably don't even know what it's like yet.
What we feel now... Aren't these feeling just lust? Need? Want?
Hormonal rages that all teenagers feel?
The need to be needed by somebody else?

Then why does it hurt?
You think a broken heart is just a figure of speech. But it's true. My chest hurts. There's this sinking feeling where my heart is. It's broken.

Haha. You'd like to think I said that. But I didn't. I took it from somewhere else.

It's true though.
Let's go all TOK with this.
1) We know from experience.
2) I've experienced that being infatuated with someone may be a good thing. It gives you a good feeling inside.
3) But it also hurts.
It hurts like putting razor blades through my eyes so I don't have to see those faces again.
4) Conclusion: why sacrifice so much to only be hurt as a consequence? Precisely. You shouldn't.
When feelings are toyed with, wouldn't you want to defenestrate those feelings?

And guess what?
I. Don't. Believe. Love's. Worth. It.

Better to bottle it up, create less hassle, and throw it into the ocean.
If someone finds that bottle one day, the contents discovered, it wouldn't matter anymore.
A new bottle would be floating out there somewhere.
No one knows who or what or when or why.
Except that I pollute the ocean with bottles.
Maybe I could make these bottles edible to marine life.

So to answer your questions.
I don't have a passion in life. Or rather. Too many passions.
I don't believe I'll ever find anything to my definition of love.
I don't believe anyone can change my mind about this.